i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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