Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
