did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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