i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
