Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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