Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
