i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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