Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
