girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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