Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
