He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You are a genius and a whore.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
