Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize