he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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