Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
