Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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