a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize