Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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