Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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