It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
