i jhust puked up my retainher.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
