I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
