Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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