he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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