where am i from again
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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