I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
