I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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