I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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