She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
