YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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