when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize