She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
