I just saw a hot homeless man
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
