my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
