i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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