I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
