Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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