nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
