I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
