Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
