Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
