Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
