I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
