He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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