her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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