remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
A+ Viking dick
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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