I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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