how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
