you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
