o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
