mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
