Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you traded sex for a burrito?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
