Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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