New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
