i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
