White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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