maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
