When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
