all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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